


i'm sorry i let you down

by Smugdendingle



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Depression, M/M, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-14 21:35:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14777651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smugdendingle/pseuds/Smugdendingle
Summary: Robert gets depressed and leads to something that will change everyone’s lives.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr - Smugrobron

All these voices in my head get loud. I wish that I could shut them out. 

Disappointment  
You broken us  
She’s always going to be here now 

“Rob. Robert you need to stop drinking, you’re going end up ill.” She said very worriedly staring at the older man in the bathroom on the floor being sick in the toilet. This is the second week she has found her brother in this same position every morning and she has become more and more worried about Robert. 

“Don’t be so dramatic Vic I’m fine. I’ve only had a few beers.” The older man said very weakly whilst sitting on the floor looking very uncomfortable. 

But you’re not fine, are you? You have been drinking heavily every day for the past two weeks. You are always coming in late stinking of booze. you were that bad the other night you could barely speak, muttering things under your breathe. 

“I wasn’t that bad I was only little bit tipsy the other night” he steady got up “I haven’t been drinking heavily at all I’m fine. Please just leave it. “he spat out whilst walking past his sister taking in deep breathes to keep his anger and frustration under control. 

The following day he was in the Woolpack drinking his beer again and he acted dumb, but he knew Vic was watching him every minute she came out of the double doors. He knew she was worried about him, but she really didn’t need to be he wasn’t dependant on the stuff, was he? 

Ever since finding out Seb wasn’t his, he been silent not talking to anyone but what hurt the most was finding out Rebecca was lying about them ever sleeping together all that pain and heart ache was for nothing. The baby was Ross’s when Robert burst into his house and said congratulations you have a second kid left Ross shocked for words. 

He only just realized Aaron sitting opposite him from the booth, looking concerned “hey you alright? You looked miles away. “said softly but you can hear the worry in his voice. 

“W-what ye him fine just thinking about stuff that’s all. “trying to give a reassuring smile but it feels tight on his face. 

Thinking about what? You know you can talk to me. 

“Yeh I know but it’s nothing really “except from feeling alone, empty, nothing to be happy about I’m totally fucking happy. 

Are you sure? You look ill, you’ve lost a lot of weight, you never go to the scrapyard anymore. I’m just really worried about you 

“Aaron I’m fine okay just leave it” he says sounding very frustrated whilst getting up and walking out of the pub doors. Leaving Aaron looking very sad about him, he knows he isn’t okay because Robert barely says two words to him barely bothers to say hello anymore he isn’t himself ever since Rebecca leaving the village for good. 

Aaron what happened just then? He didn’t look happy what did you say to him? 

“I only said he looked ill and is he okay, but he kept saying his fine, but I know he isn’t. he hasn’t been himself since what happened. I’m really worried about him Vic.” With tears in his eyes  
I know he isn’t he’s always drinking throughout the day for the past two weeks. When I say is he okay he just says he’s fine. He barely eats anymore I can’t remember the last time I saw him eat to be honest. 

We need to help him, but he isn’t letting us. I need to go but try talking to him. Bye. 

Next two days Robert didn’t leave his bedroom he stayed in bed all day, he couldn’t eat not because he was starving himself it was because he didn’t feel hungry, his appetite just went. When Vic went in his room to check he’s fine or tried talking to him he pretended he was asleep, but she knew he wasn’t she became more and more worried. she realized her brother was not okay, but she always knew deep down but she only now just accepted it. 

Rob come on you’ve stayed in your bed for days you need to come down. Aarons worried about you he’s asking about you. 

Nothing 

You can’t push us away you know, we care about you too much. 

Nothing 

 

Vic walked out of Robert's room and went down stairs


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert does something that could change everyone's lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning - suicidal thoughts/attempted suicide.

“How is he then? Did he say anything to you? “Aaron blurted out without giving the younger woman a chance to speak from across the living room.   
“No, he hasn’t said anything he just ignored me just lay there facing the wall. He has stayed like that for days now not moving and I’m so terrified this isn’t like him” sounding very fearful with tears building up in her eyes looking at Aaron who has the same expression on his face both hug each other hoping Robert will be okay and he’ll won’t do anything.   
You want me to try and talk go him?   
Yeh he’ll probably talk to you he’s more open with you   
Aaron walks out of the living walks up the stairs where Robert’s room is but when he finds him there he is facing the door with his eyes open he doesn’t even look like he is in the room. That deep in thought he hasn’t noticed Aaron standing there was a concerned look on his face and keeps calling his name. 

Robert’s POV  
Why can’t people just leave me alone? They never even cared about me half of the time anyway, Victoria was always fussing over the baby that wasn’t even mine always pushing me and forcing me to forget about Aaron saying “you have a baby coming now Rob you need to forget about Aaron “not even listening to me how I feel, what I want to do. It was always about how Rebecca feels, the baby and how I need to step up. She even said how she was disappointed in me when Rebecca was expecting the baby, how dad would be as well because I had the perfect life a house, family and a husband but then I wrecked It all by sleeping with her. I don’t even know why Aaron is here he ended it, left me he wasn’t even bothered if I was dead or alive like my presence was too much for him, he couldn’t even be in the same room as me. He was as bad as Vic kept saying I need to step up for my son I need to be there more not even listening to how I feel, I know I made a mistake, but it was like I couldn’t even say how I felt anymore it was always everyone else.  
I felt so alone for these past few months I couldn’t talk to anyone, wherever I went I had nasty looks thrown my way especially from Chas and Paddy. It’s not like they haven’t had any affairs or cheated but no they get a free pass they’re forgiven but Robert Sugden gets all the abuse thrown at him I make one mistake and I get treated horribly. I just wish I could disappear no one would miss me any way they’ll probably cry but then they’ll forget about the disaster of a human being. They are better off without me who actually needs me I’m just waste of space all I do is make people’s lives terrible, I killed Katie, I was the reason why Aaron was self - harming again, threatened Paddy and Leo, I was even shot because I was a terrible person who didn’t deserve to live I wish that bullet did the job of killing me because then I wouldn’t of caused all this mess.   
when I come out of my deep thoughts I see Aaron sitting on the chair looking at me with a very concerned look on his face. when did he get here? how long as he been here for I ask myself. 

“Aaron? Why are you here. What do you want? “I asked very tiredly and quietly whilst tucking myself further in my blankets   
W-well I was seeing if you were okay because I haven’t seen you in while and I was worried about you so, I thought I come to see if you were okay, but you have just answered my question because no offence you look dreadful and when I came in you looked miles away you didn’t even notice me sitting down or trying to talk to you. 

“I’m fine. I was just thinking about things that’s all no need to worry about me “I say with a small smile forming trying to look and sound like I am fine but I’m not, I just people to leave me alone. 

“Well that’s a massive lie isn’t it because I know your not you have been drinking none stop, haven’t been eating and you have been in your room for days not even coming down to let your sister know you are still alive.” The younger man says very firmly but gentle at the same time. I could tell he’s been crying his eyes are red and puffy. Even when I don’t see him I still cause him so much pain another reason why I shouldn’t be here. 

Well she can come up here can’t she. I’ve just been really tired that’s all and haven’t had an appetite that’s all I don’t know why people are worrying about me so much they couldn’t give a toss about me few months ago what’s change? 

You know that’s not tru-   
Aaron just leave it okay go away I don’t need you and you don’t need me   
He looks like he has just taken a punch in the stomach, you can see the hurt in his face “why you being like this for? “says very sadly   
Just go   
You need to stop pushing people away you know   
Aaron’s POV   
I get up from where I have been sitting I walk to the door and say he needs to stop pushing people away because how can his family and friends help him if he doesn’t want anyone around. I got this horrible feeling in my stomach that somethings going to happen and I’m not going to like it. I’m so worried about him after everything with Rebecca, Seb he has been coping very badly with the drinking and not eating, I don’t know how to help him. I still love him I want to tell him but I’m too scared that I have pushed him too far he can’t even speak to me anymore that alone hurts me because he could always talk to me and now he can’t even be in the same room as me. But I’m not going to give up because I want to be there for him as a friend, but I want to be his husband again, I’m going to do all I can to be there and show him I care about him. 

 

The following morning, I get up get change and I stare at myself in the mirror and see the reflection looking right back at me I don’t see a good person, successful businessman or good brother I just see a broken, lonely, disappointment and a cheater. Is that what people see when they look at me? I’m I really that bad of a person people don’t like talking to me or even spending time with me. I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t want to talk to me or be friends because who would want to be seen with a lonely man who still lives in his sister’s house living in a box room opposite from his step mums. The more I think about the things I’ve done the more I just want to be gone I don’t want to live anymore because I feel numb I can’t feel anything. What is the point of living? I have nothing to be excited about have I. I turn to my cabernet next to my bed and I open the draw and pull out three envelopes for three different people Aaron, Liv and Vic all of them should get them when I have gone.   
I walk down the stairs see my lovely, caring sister in kitchen, I love her so much she deserves a brother who can protect her, be nice, not someone like me all I cause is drama and heart ache but that’s going to change today. I walk over to her side and speak “Vic you know I love you right. mum would be so proud of you how far you have become. “the younger woman turns and gives me a shocked look but then it turns into worry “I’m sorry for all the things I’ve done, and I wish I could change that, I was so happy. I hope whoever you meet they make you happy never treat you like I have. “   
“Where has this come from you’re sounding like you’re never going to see me again. “her voice is filled with worry, fear and confusion   
“No, I just had a worried dream and I wanted to tell you because the dream left me feeling weird that’s all “I hope she doesn’t ask me anymore questions because I don’t think I can lie to her any longer it just pains me that I’m never going to see her again  
After that we hugged but I hug her tighter than needed I give her a quick kiss on the head and walk to the front door take in deep breathe and walk to my car because there is only one place where I need to be. 

I don’t know how long I have been staring at the water in the quarry, but it’s gone dark so, must be long time. I went to load of different stores to get different types of tablets to do the job and got two bottles of whisky because if this is the last time I am going to drink anything is might as well be my favourite one. I wonder if anyone will miss me when I’m gone. Will anyon-   
BEEP   
Vic – what time do you come back? Do you want to go the Woolpack for tea? Xx 

I read the message with few tears in my eyes it’s taking everything in me to not message back to her, but I need to do what I need to do know I can’t waste any more time fussing around. I get the first box of tablets put them in my hand whilst opening the whisky I put them in my mouth with shaking hands and swallow them whilst taking in big gulps of whisky trying to keep them down I open the second box and do the same. I feel ill and so sick everything is so oddly quite, every move I make is slow it’s like I’m on slow motion I hear a ping I move to see what it is and it’s a message on my phone I try to get it, but everything is double what I try to get is not there but when I eventually get my phone what I do see is loads of messages from different people. 

Vic – where are you? I knew you were acting strange this morning. Please don’t tell me you have done something.   
Aaron – Robert answer the phone please I need you, your family need you don’t give up 

Liv – you better not have done what I think your going to be doing 

Aaron – I still love you. Please pick up the phone 

Chas – Rob we can help you please don’t do this 

Now my phone is ringing its going straight through my head making me feel worse than I already was I feel like I’m in thick mud and I can’t move I ache all over my body I’m pretty sure I am going to pass out I saw black dots forming and waves of darkness overcome me I try get my phone again and press answer I hear distanced voices all talking over each other but one comes into focused.   
Rob  
Robert. Where are you. We can help you. Tell me where you are   
A-ron   
Tell us where you are   
I’m s-orry I never meant to hurt y’oo   
Look its okay please just tell me where you are  
So, beau-tiful  
Rob!  
Quarr- 

I’ve found it too hard to speak I can barely hold my phone I drop it whilst my arm falls to my side I try get out of car, but I fall out and hit the ground with a thud I try get up, but I fall against the car I’m getting more and more tired all I hear is frantic voices calling my name but I’m getting more calmer and tired but then I can no longer keep my eyes open all I see if darkness take me away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very nervous towards the ending part because I hope I've written about how Robert feels towards the end making it clear what he is thinking and doing and also I have written it carefully. But if anyone does get offended or disagrees I'm deeply sorry I never intended on hurting anyones feelings.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert wakes up is he back to normal or has his family lost him for good?

“Robert! Are you still there? “Aaron said very franticly whilst putting his phone in his jeans pocket turning to his mum and Victoria in the Mill “mum you need to ring the ambulance right now. “as he said that he was rushing to the door grabbing his keys and his coat but when he was about to leave Chas ran to him and grabbed his arm “I’m coming with you now before you end up in the hospital as well. Vic you go to the hospital and wait there okay “ 

It didn’t take long for Aaron to reach the quarry he knew which one Robert was going on about it was the one where they crashed into the water and nearly died and that wasn’t going to happen for a second time. Aaron was speeding down the country lanes in a distressed state with Chas screaming at him to calm down, and slow down they will get there in time, but Aaron was too much in a state to listen to his mother. But when they reached the quarry they found Robert’s car on the edge with him slumped forward with sick all over him and on the side, Aaron barely stopped the car and left the Engine running still he ran towards Robert and skidded a bit he saw that Robert wasn’t in a good state he was a deathly grey colour and his lips were a bit blue Aaron was proper panicking.   
What have you done, you idiot you can’t leave me you said till we’re eighty   
He shook him, but he wasn’t waking up he was so still   
Robert! Open your eyes   
Nothing   
Mum he’s not waking up. MUM what do I do   
“Keep checking if he’s breathing and lay him on his side he might be sick again “said the older woman looking terrified staring at the man on the floor still shocked   
Aaron puts him on his side and checks his he’s breathing-   
He’s barely breathing his pulse is barely there. Mum I can’t lose him I never told him I love him still   
You will get time we won’t lose Robert you know how stubborn he is. A bullet couldn’t stop him “says the older woman giving her son a small smile in the distance you can hear the ambulance sirens getting closer and closer   
“You hear that they’re coming okay you can’t leave us you just have to wait couple more minutes okay? “rocking Robert whilst on the floor giving him a small kiss on the head. “The ambulance is here now Robert “   
What is his name?   
R-Robert Sugden.   
He is going to okay, isn’t he? 

When we get into the ambulance I was sitting next to Robert holding his hand the whole way wishing, praying he will survive because he can’t die he has his whole life in front of him. He has me he can’t just leave. When we reach the Hotten hospital he is ripped away from me I felt our hands let go of each other and when he is going down the corridor I hear firm but fearful voices all screaming instructions at each other but the ones that stay and repeat in my head are-   
Suicide attempt   
Dead   
We’re losing him 

The wait has taken hours since we first got here each passing minute I have lost hope of Robert waking because what if it means he’s dead or they are trying to get the pills out of system I keep over thinking everything its making me worry even more. Liv came in a bit later looking scared she has been crying her cheeks were red and her eyes, she ran over to me give me a big, tight hug muttering to me “will he be okay “and “he can’t die. “Chas was sitting next to me rubbing calming circles on my shoulder blades trying to comfort me it was helping a bit, Vic and Diane sitting together both crying asking the each passing doctor on any news, but they said we have to wait it was so painful because their looks were sad. 

 

“Aaron you should go home now with Liv and Chas “younger woman looks over to liv sleeping against Aaron” you have been waiting here long time. We’ll let you know if there is any news. There isn’t any need for all of us to stay here the doctors probably let one or two people in anyway.   
You what? I’m staying here, I’m not going anywhere why do you want us to go?  
Well you are just a friend and we’re his family. I was only helping because you look exhausted   
We’re his family thank you very much I married him I’m his husband so I’m staying here till I know other wise   
But you broke up with him you left him, and you even said to him all he will ever be is a friend and he’s not really your husband because it wasn’t legal was it  
“Are you actually joking no it wasn’t legal, but it was to us and I don’t need you saying it didn’t matter if it was or not. I’m his husband in here “stabbing his finger to his heart “and I was only being his friend was because I had everyone saying to me I can’t back together with him.   
Look I’m sorry I’m just tired and stressed I didn’t mean to hurt your feeling okay of course your Robert’s family just ignore me   
“Yeh Intend to thanks “the younger man mutters feeling anger rise but trying his best to calm down 

10 minutes after the heated conversation the doctor comes into the waiting room and guides us the private family room. 

“Robert is in criterial condition we lost him three times because the pills were already in his system they were affecting his heart but each time we got him back. “the doctor says firmly “he was struggling to breathe and at one point he did stop as well we had to use a tube to support him. The next 24 hours are deadly you can’t get your hopes up he is very weak. He is in a coma we won’t know when he’ll wake up” the doctor says sadly whilst Vic, Liv and Aaron release a sob   
Will he have brain damage?   
It may be certain, but we are not sure. I’m sorry it wasn’t good news, but you can see him but one person.   
As the doctor walks out, he hesitates but then speaks “Has Robert got history of self-harm he has multiple inflicted scars on his stomach and arms “everyone in the gasps in shock.   
You can see him but only one person   
Vic looks over to Aaron and he goes with the doctor to Robert’s room in the intensive care unit. The doctor tells me I may find it distressing because of the wires and tubes attached to Robert but I take in a deep breathe to calm my nervous and open the door and what I see if horrible Robert has a tube in his mouth, I.V wire attached to his hand, the heart monitor beeping away telling everyone is still alive but Robert doesn’t look it he is so pale he has dark circles under his eyes and he has lost so much weight his cheeks have gone much more thinner. After finding out about the scars it scares me that Robert would do that because I would never think of him doing that he’s the sort of person who pushes people away not to cause harm to himself I just wish he talked to me I would know what he was going through. 

The hospital should name a ward for us you know because we are always in here.   
I let out small cry whilst holding the older mans hand   
Why couldn’t you speak to me? I would have known what you were going through. I’m so sorry If I made out I didn’t care because I care so much, I was just pushing you away at the start because I didn’t want to get close to you again because I was still so badly in love with you because it made me so angry after everything I would still have you in a heartbeat.   
“But after finding out about you and R-Rebecca not sleeping together, seb not being yours I wanted you back, but everyone got in head saying I can’t get back with you, but it was what they wanted not mine and now I might be too late “more tears running down my cheeks, but I make no effect to wipe them away.

I fell asleep whilst holding my husband’s hand till the morning, when I see the nurse in the room I ask if there is any change the nurse shake her head I feel crushed. Liv, Chas, Vic and Diane all visit but as the days turn into weeks the visits become less and less regular. But on the fourth week I am full of hope, excitement and relief because Robert moved his hand, started blinking and he eventually woke up he doesn’t have brain damage but when he did wake up his face was full of disappointment he kept staring at the ceiling just blinking even when I was talking to him he was ignoring me. 

rob please just speak to me why did you do it?   
Silence   
You can’t just ignore me you know I want to help you please just talk   
Silence   
I’m going to get a coffee I’ll be straight back 

Whilst I’m walking down the corridor I’m crying and when spot Chas I just hurl myself into her and cry into her shoulder uncontrollably when she’s asking me what’s wrong all I reply is I have lost him he’s there but he’s not my Robert. My husband has gone, and I can’t get him back. Chas just rubs my back telling me everything will be fine he will come back to us, but I stop believing her now because this dark cloud has gone over him, and I can’t get him back. 

Robert’s POV

When I started to regain conscious I felt I was in heaven because I felt like I was flouting I felt so calm and peaceful till the aching in my body, different voices became into focus, all I felt was disappointment I didn’t succeed in the one thing I had control in how could I have failed in something that was so simple? The doctors and nurses where asking different questions but I couldn’t speak it was like my voice box was ripped away from me. I had no energy to move I felt so lifeless laying on this bed. Vic came bursting in hugging me and crying telling me loads of questions and giving me concerned looks but all I did was stare at the celling because I didn’t want to look at anybody else. I see Aaron sitting on the chair next to me he’s been crying telling me why I couldn’t tell him how I was feeling and how I shouldn’t push people away but I’m not I just can’t speak I don’t want to be here anymore.   
I had the mental health councillor speaking to me, but I just lay there not talking because I brought all the pain on myself I shouldn’t be talking how I feel because it’s all my fault, how I feel shouldn’t even be considered. Even if I do talk about how I feel I wouldn’t know what to say because I feel numb I can’t feel anything at all I would do anything to feel something, but I can’t.   
after few days in hospital I get discharged from hospital because they can’t keep me in if I’m okay (physically) but if I’m not willing to talk they can’t keep me here forever. I go to my sisters I just go straight to my bedroom and go to bed because I’m bone dead tired I just ignore what Vic and Aaron say because I have lost interest in anything and no longer care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew I wrote this on my computer I didn't realize I have written 4 pages bloody hell, typing none stop I'm so tired I have probably made few mistakes so, sorry. thank you for reading so far and liked reading this. again sorry if I have made anyone feel upset I didn't intend too.   
> I'll be updating tomorrow x


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warming - self harm

How are you feeling today? Do you want something to eat I could make some breakfast?   
Nothing   
“you have to eat you know. You can’t just stay up here all day, every day Rob “the younger woman said gently   
The older man keeps looking at the wall not responding his expression looks so dull and sad all Vic wants to do is give her brother a massive hug. After another unsuccessful attempt to get Robert out of his room or even try to start talking again she goes downstairs to call Aaron see if there will be any luck.

Robert’s POV   
I can’t eat it’s not that I don’t want to eat its physically hard too because it is painful to swallow, the food just tastes like cardboard and I feel sick. The pain is better because I deserve this don’t I? I deserve the pain after all the things I’ve done I should deal with this but it’s not enough I need to feel more than some rumbles in my stomach. I get up go to the bathroom I undress go into the shower, but I don’t wash myself I just stand there staring into nothing my thoughts are always there, it’s like I just get trapped in my own head and I can’t get out. I can’t cope with it I need anything to stop all the hurt I have caused, I just need anything to stop right now I need to feel something because I feel so empty and lost it just aches so much.  
I look at myself in the mirror see the scars on my stomach, chest and arms they are red from the hot water. I look in the cupboard I find my razer I put it against my skin I made a long line in my arm its bleeding it aches and stings, but I pull the skin little bit more and that is what makes me scream in pain that is agonizing but I welcome the pain because I deserve this, and I can feel something that isn’t hollowness. But suddenly I hear knocking on the door and someone calling my name it sounds quite concerned like they are on edge, but when I listen again its Aaron. 

Robert? What’s taking you so long in there, Vic said you were having a shower but that was over hour ago. 

Oh god 

What are you doing? If you don’t answer me I will come in there right now. 

Shit. Shit. Shit. 

I open the door with my black gown on me I’m trying not to make it obvious about my arm, but it hurts like hell but it’s the only thing that’s keeping me going. I walk past Aaron go into my room I sit on the bed quite awkwardly. 

What do you want? 

w-well I was checking if you were alright because in the hospital you weren’t saying anything. Vic said you have been the same here. Everyone is really worried about ya 

well tell them I’m fine no need to worry about me. 

But you’re not are you. You tried to kill yourself and the doctor said you have scars on your body, you could should have talked to me because I know how it feels when you’re in that dark place. 

“But I can’t talk to you, can I? not long ago you were cutting yourself I can’t exactly come up to you and say how I’m feeling and what I wanted to do. “I get up suddenly “why can’t everyone leave me alone? None of you even cared about me when you found out I cheated “I laugh bitterly “but I didn’t though did I. I got loads of nasty looks thrown my way because I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me “my voice cracked at the end “I was the reason why you started cutting yourself again, I was the reason why you got the drugs. I’m just waste of space that wrecks everyones lives. So yeh, that day when I was at the quarry I wanted to end it all because I’m sick and tired of all the comments I get but all the people who have made the comments have cheated and had affairs, but everyone lets it go but no I have to have nasty comments and filthy looks “I take in quick deep breathes I can feel the anger bubbling under my skin but when I look at Aaron’s face he has different emotions on his face shocked, hurt and guilty he has tears in his eyes. 

Rob. I’m so sorry I didn’t know you felt like that and you couldn’t talk to me. I’ve tried talking to my family to stop the comments I know it’s bad of them and they have done the same things as other people. But me getting the drugs wasn’t on you nor me self – harming that was me because I felt so isolated and felt I couldn’t talk to anyone. But I just want to know how your feeling because I still care about you. 

Aaron just go I’m tired and don’t want to talk 

No, we can’t leave it here I want to help you 

You can’t I’m too broken I’m unfixable 

“You’re not broken don’t ever say that “the younger man said firmly but gently touching the older man’s arm, but he yanks it away with a big hiss 

Aaron furrows his eyebrows “what’s wrong? What did I do” he looks confused but then realisation hits him “you been cutting again haven’t you”?

n-no I haven’t it just hurts a bit when you touch it that’s all

show me your arms 

what? No, I haven’t done anything 

“if you haven’t done anything why you not letting me see your arms? “Aaron said firmly but he reaches out and rolls up Robert’s sleeve anyway and he takes in a gasp what he sees “what have you done “barely a whisper but it’s mainly a rhetorical question. “why are you doing this? Please just let me in “tears running down his face his voice breaks 

“Aaron please just go “Robert’s voice is so small, he looks vulnerable sitting on the bed he looks like he is on the verge of tears 

If you think I’m going now and leaving you like this, you must be joking. Please just tell me why you’re doing this I won’t tell anyone you have helped me in the past so let me do the same 

I-I just… I feel numb, I feel so empty I can’t feel anything” his voice sounds so sad 

That’s why you started cutting? 

I nod my head

….. All the things I’ve done in the past are keep running around in my head and then about Rebecca and Seb I just started drinking and then I’ve just gone worse from there this cloud just goes over me where I don’t want to wake up and I just want to disappear, I just wish that bullet did kill me off…

Aaron gasps shocked he goes to speak but Robert interrupts 

I wouldn’t have coursed all the pain I have done. All of you would be better off 

No, you’re so wrong we wouldn’t be better off Vic would lose her big brother, Diane would lose her step son, I would have lost my best friend and husband. I wouldn’t have got past with what happened ages ago without you, you were my rock, we wouldn’t have got marriage, I wouldn’t have found Liv. You have brought so much happiness in all our lives. 

I burst into tears and Aaron hugs me whispering comforting words I my ear, my eyes start to get heavy I try stay awake, but the darkness and heaviness takes over I fall to sleep in Aarons arms. When I wake up again Aaron is asleep on the chair I’m tucked into bed I get up walk to the window look outside the sky is pitch black with thousands of stars all twinkling bright I look over my shoulder and see Aarons face a small smile appears I’ll never say this out loud, but he looks so cute and adorable when he’s asleep. I walk to the bathroom look at my arm it looks painful it has turned scabby, red around the edges I don’t regret doing this to myself after doing it I found it helps with stopping the voices and thoughts in my head. I see a glance in the mirror I look awful I’m pale, I have dark shadows under my eyes and my face looks thinner but what does scare me is my eyes they look so dull the spark they did have is gone, it’s like someone has switched off the light and now they are just dark, lifeless. 

I hear foot steps coming towards the bathroom when I turn around its Aaron he looks so worried he’s looking over my bare chest and body in the dim light for anything but then he loos relived when he hasn’t seen anything. It still aches me that I’m causing him this he should be with someone who isn’t broken, someone who will make him happy not someone like me who causes people to cry. 

“I was worried when you weren’t in bed I came to check on ya “stands awkwardly “when I heard something in the bathroom I panicked thought you were doing something. Sorry”

It’s okay I just woke up, I shouldn’t be keeping you away from liv I’m just being a burden 

No. no, you’re not being a burden I want to take care after you because I-I still lo- I love you but I’ll wait when your better because I don’t want to push you. 

“You still love me?” I say gently but then I fall anger build up again “But you can’t just take me back because I tried to kill myself”

If you think that you really don’t me know at all. I have always loved you, you idiot. I know is not the right time, but I just wanted to say but if you don’t want me, or feel anything for me…

“I still love you but I’m not ready yet “Aaron’s face falls “but it won’t be forever but I just I’m not ready for anything” his response is a hug we both walk into my bedroom and I go to bed, and Aaron goes to the chair, but I ask him does he want to sleep in my bed because it’ll be comfier he hesitates but then walks to the bed and wraps one arm around me just for comfort and we fall asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert get back together or do they?

I wake up with Aaron wrapped around me it was just like old times back in the Mill both of us pushed against each other it brings smile to my face but then it fades away remembering all the things I have done, the hurt I have caused all I want to do is hide, disappear again away from the village just none existent anymore. I get out of bed trying my best not to wake up Aaron I get dressed go downstairs where Victoria is cooking breakfast she turns her head and smiles at me as I sit down she has this look on her face which makes me a bit awkward. 

So, Aaron stayed over last night, didn’t he?

Yes. Nothing happened Vic we’re only mates we just fell asleep that’s all. 

Robert said a bit harshly but didn’t mean it to sound like that 

okay! Doesn’t mean you get offended I was only asking. But is that what you want to be just mates. 

It must be for now I’m not ready for a relationship I’m going out 

As I’m getting up Vic has a worried look on her face and I must reassure her I’m not doing anything I get out of the house and see Aaron walking in to the Mill which makes me little bit confused because I didn’t hear him leave but then again, he does have Liv to get too maybe can’t be bothered with the questions. 

I’ve just been walking around the village and around the country lanes taking in the beautiful scenery the sunset making the sky a lovely, pastel colour I love it when it’s like this everything is so peaceful and quite I could stay here forever but my phone makes a noise which brings me out of my thoughts it’s Vic asking me where I am I message back saying I’m coming back now as I’m walking I’m thinking about all the things I have done I just can’t stop it I regret everything sometimes I wish Aaron didn’t find me because would I still be better off dead than alive? I make It back to the village head towards the Woolpack message Vic to say where I am. When I walk into the pub the hot air hits me in the face, Charity and Chas bickering again I walk over bit shy and awkward again ask for a pint Chas gives me a look, but I just ignore it I walk over to one of the booths ten minutes since I’ve been here Chas has been giving me looks I just wish she could leave me alone I’m minding my own business I hear footsteps coming my way and I take a big breathe in because I know what’s about to come. 

I saw Aaron coming out of Vic’s this morning care to tell me why?

He just wanted to see me and then we just fell asleep nothing happened Chas we’re just mates   
I don’t know why he even wants to be in the same room as you to be honest you wrecked my son’s life, over and over again you should just leave him hell alone because he doesn’t need you Robert. He’s finally getting better, might move on, get his life back on track he sure as hell doesn’t need you messing with his head again. 

I just nod my head get out of the pub, but my chest feels like its tightening I can’t breathe, I’m shaking I try to make it to Vic’s I open the door I become very lightheaded I see black dots form in front of my eyes all I see is the floor coming towards me with a thud. I wake up on the floor I ache all over especially my head I get off the floor remembering the things Chas said to me she was right wasn’t she Aaron doesn’t need me in his life I’m just ruining him. I walk up the stairs go into the bathroom I still got this pressure in my chest I just need it to stop I need the pain to go away I need all the thoughts to just go I look in the cupboard spot the razer I pick it up held it towards my stomach I take in deep breathes tears in my eyes I put it against my stomach I apply pressure I hiss in pain but then everything becomes peaceful and quite again the thoughts no longer replay in my head anymore I put the razer into my bedroom cabernet draw I go to bed whilst trying not to move because of the pain but that’s the only thing that keeps everything else quite in my head. 

It’s been couple of weeks since I’ve been avoiding Aaron it has been little bit hard because the village is a small place but I’ve amazed myself with how I’ve done it but I’m only doing it because I have Chas’s voice stuck in my head I’m trying to do what’s best for Aaron he deserves the world I still want to be his friend but I’m only getting stuck with him moving on I feel I need to give him space, distance. Vic has been more relaxing with me not so on edge I decided to go to see a counsellor well Vic mentioned it took me couple of days to think about it but since I said yes, I will go, the first session I felt little bit exposed talking to a stranger about my life, but I see how it helps I feel a little bit lighter than I did. 

I got a new flat in Hotten because if I want to get better I need to stay away from bad memories it is the best thing I have done in a long time I feel more better I laugh, smile I’ve even going out meeting new people and going to clubs. Vic asked me if I could stay t hers for night or two because she still worries I talk to her what I’ve been doing, and she told me how proud she is because how I’ve become happier than the last few months it scared me where my head was at. 

When I’m leaving the house one morning I see Aaron coming towards me not looking very happy more like about to rip my head off 

Me mum told me what she said to you. Is that why you have been avoiding me hardly ever in the village? 

I-was avoiding you at the start but after that I was looking for a new flat in Hotton got one and I’ve been living there ever since only coming here to see Vic stay here a night or two. I’m sorry I should have told you but after what Chas said I thought you be better off without me being in the way of you moving on. 

Aaron was stood there shocked “moved on! how can I move on? You’re it for me I love you, you can’t leave you said we would be together when your better you can’t just take it back “Aaron said panicky tears in his eyes 

I haven’t taken it back I generally thought we could get back together but I’ve changed I’m more happy living outside of the village because this place just has bad memories nothing happy 

But you do have good memories we got married here

Yeh that day was the best time of my life, but you went straight to prison afterwards I got drunk thought I cheated, your mental health got worse because of me. We had two minutes of happiness I think that’s all we’re going to have because we hurt each other it’s not healthy. 

Aaron’s face was the picture of hurt he started crying he walked away to the Mill unable to speak he never thought Robert would give up on them, he felt like someone ripped his heart out he hurt that much he collapsed onto the floor he thought they would get back to together because they are Aaron and Robert they always find each other. 

As Robert watched his husband, his soulmate walks away he felt sad but he was only letting him go this was better for both but why did it feel like it wasn’t? he got into his car drove back to Hotten trying to forget his husband’s stung face. 

Aaron was still sitting on the floor unable to move he felt empty how could Robert let go of Aaron and their happiness, but Aaron felt anger bubbling up his veins this was Chas fault wasn’t it because she planted these thoughts in Robert’s head he got up walked out of the door heading straight to the woolpack. He walked into the pub seeing Chas laugh but when he sees his face her smile fell into worry he got her walked into the back room where he was pacing then suddenly stopped stared at her with anger. 

“love what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong? You want to tell me what’s wrong? Well Robert told me he was letting me go, he has a new flat in hotten he has moved away from his home, away from me because of you he thinks it’s for the better. I’m not better without him mum I need him in my life I love him, he was the best thing that ever happened to me and now you but thoughts into his head that I don’t need him. “Aaron’s voice broke at the end, his face and eyes red from crying 

But you don’t need him love, you are better without him. I was only doing what’s best for you he never was the best thing that ever happened to you he was the reason for your mental health to get worse. 

No that was because of me it’s always going to be there mum, he was the one that stopped the panic attacks, he was the one that saved my life twice! I married him because I want to spend the rest of my life with him and now he’s gone because of you. I will never forgive you for this always getting in the way with my relationships driving them away. 

Aaron you don’t mean that when you have calmed down we can talk properly okay- Aaron don’t walk away from me Aaron! 

The next few days Aaron ignored his mum because he was so angry with her and himself because he wished he tried harder enough to see Robert but instead he gives him some space because he thought that’s what he needed but instead he felt he let Robert run through his fingers moving more away from him. It ached Aaron that he couldn’t be near him but that was about to change he asked Vic for Roberts address he was currently driving down the lanes to tell his husband why they should be together.

He got to Robert’s flat parked on the driveaway he knocked on his door when he saw the sight of Robert he wanted him there and then his hair was a shiny blonde, his cheeks were rosy red, and he looked like he was going to the gym. Aaron stood there lost for words whilst Robert had a confused puzzled look on his face. 

Aaron? Why are you here?

I-I just wanted to see you because haven’t seen you excepted the other day.   
His mind went blank the speech he was going to say to Robert no longer there he couldn’t speak it was like his voice just closed. 

Oh, okay well come in then its freezing out there “he said happily whilst stepping to the side to let Aaron through.   
As the room came into view he was surprised because the living room was so Robert with the wooden table and leather seats with the browns, blacks and grey colours on each different object. The big TV hanging on the wall, pictures of Robert with Vic, Diane, liv but none of him which hurt more than it intended too. But the place was a bit of a mess with beer cans on the table with empty boxes of pizzas on the sofa. 

“Make yourself comfortable “he walked around the place cleaning things up a bit embarrassed “I wasn’t expecting visitors” he put the things in the bin. He put the kettle on whilst holding two cups “tea, coffee? “   
Tea thanks. What have you been doing here then? 

Leaning against the counter he struggled his shoulders, but Aaron was amazed that even doing the simplest of things can make him look so hot “nothing interesting really meeting new people at gay bars just bars, going to sessions with my counsellor seeing Vic” 

“I didn’t think you would ever go to see a counsellor “Aaron’s voice was mixed with sad and happy emotions he could tell Robert has changed in a happy why but when he said he’s meeting new people in gay bars he was taken back because he never thought Robert would go to one of them last time he asked him to he was so uncomfortable about the idea. 

Yeh me either. but Vic mentioned it, at first, I didn’t want to go but then I thought it could help me and it has to be honest I feel lighter than I was, more carefree. 

A small smile creeped onto Aaron’s face he could see by looking at Robert’s face he looked lighter than before he looked more happy and relaxed than he ever looked before. But then he thought what if he doesn’t want me anymore even if I asked him, what if he doesn’t love me anymore the realization hit him right in the face like ton of bricks, but he needed to ask because he couldn’t cope with the ifs for rest of his life.   
Moment of comfortable silence till it was broken by the next words were in the air, made by Aaron “I still want you back, 

I want you back as well, but I hurt you I ruined our marriage, I ruined you what Chas said she was right. You be better off without me Aaron you know that deep down. 

What I know deep down is that I love you, you didn’t ruin our marriage we both did because we didn’t talk to each other but this time around we do it differently we talked to each other about our feelings, we both changed, both of our head spaces are clearer than before. But if you don’t want me anymore like befo-

Robert walked over to Aaron kissed him passionately, Aaron took couple of minutes to respond but kissed him back hungerly he was putting his hand on the other man’s neck whilst moaning both men not stopping. Eventually Robert pulled back with a smirk on his face “that answer your question? “Aaron kissed him on the cheek then lips they both walked into Robert’s room carried on kissing moving onto the bed where they stayed all day then slept till the following day. When Aaron woke up he was confused at first who’s bed is he in but when he heard a soft snore he looked over saw his husband laying against him with his arms around him he smiled at him just taking in the details of his face, he always looked gorgeous in the morning his blonde hair messy, face pale but cheeks rose red colour he looked like an angel. He looked down the older man’s chest he had scars on his stomach and arms it ached Aaron that his love would do that because he always thought he would be strong Robert would be the strong one. He traced his finger over the scars kissing each one he would have done anything for Robert to let go of his demons. Aaron carried on looking at his husband till the older man started to move when he opened his eyes he smiled his eyes full of love. A thought went into his head if Robert died that day they wouldn’t be here now, he would have lost Robert for good, he would have lost part of him for good he didn’t notice he was crying till Robert was stroking his face telling him what’s wrong. 

 

“It’s just when you t-tried to kill yourself I could have lost you for good I wouldn’t have had my husband anymore. “tears running down his face Robert wiping them away 

“I was in a dark place back then when I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone, felt like deserved what I got thrown in my way. “Aaron kissed Robert on the chest kept stroking his arm 

“But you don’t feel like that, anymore do you?” there was moments of silence between them Aaron felt fear but then eventually Robert spoke again

“I have days where I wished it was successful but then I just let them go think about my family and you “he said sadly 

“But if you ever have those bad days you will come and speak to me. Okay, I was so scared when I saw you against your car I thought you were dead. “his voice wobbling 

“Don’t worry about that now I’m here happier than I have been in a long time, we just have to think about the future now “both kissed on lips smiled at each other 

Just you and me against the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the end of the journey we have spent together haha hoped you liked reading this and previous fics I might write another one when I feel like it.. why's nobody posted on here? its like so dull nothing new to read ;(

**Author's Note:**

> hello, should I carry on or leave it here? I'm sorry if I have offended anyone I didn't mean too.


End file.
